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I used to keep tons of blogs.  I had blogs about this, that and the other, and I really enjoyed keeping them.  There's a verifiable bread trail of my blogs from here (grad school in the UK) back to freshman year of college, and all the travels and tribulations in between.  When I got a livejournal account, I told myself it was just for a specific community I wanted to post in, and for leaving non-anonymous comments on the one journal I read regularly.  Thing is, blogging gets sticky sometimes.  There's the type of blog that I want everyone to have access to, like the one I was keeping about being in the UK, but the problem with that is that "everyone" includes people like my former preacher's wife.  While she is a very nice lady and a family friend, there are just some things I don't want her to know about me.  And then there's the completely secret blog, which I have one of, in which I post(ed) rants and "secrets" that I'm unlikely to share with even my closest friends.  It's kind of like a personal postsecret.  Thing is, sometimes I need an in between space.  I need to know that someone I know has access to what I'm saying and knows it's me saying it, but I don't want that to mean everyone.  Part of the beauty of blogging is knowing that someone out there feels your joy, pain, silliness, frustration, etc.  With my family friendly blog, I have to pretty heavily censor, and now that I'm friends with some of my family on Facebook, the same thing applies.  With my secret blog, there's no chance that anyone would ever know it was me (unless they happen to know all of my photos--or my face--extraordinarily well and can identify a slice of them).  So, I'm hoping this can be my "in the middle."

So, "hi," and "here goes."

Actually, I think just making this first post was sufficient to lift the black veil of disconnection from my body enough to let me get to work.  (Hmm..based on how long this post goes on after I wrote that sentence, perhaps it was just nudging aside some of my writer's block.)  I need to write about 15 pages over the next 19 hours which, though doable, means working damn hard.  I feel a little stupid.  I got an extension for the two papers I was supposed to turn in last Friday (one of which is done and just needs major editing).  Thing is, I'm in graduate school and still need to ask for extensions.  I would have thought I would have figured out this whole school thing by now and not screw up and risk getting kicked out.  The papers are worth 50% of my grade and I waited until so late to actually apply for the extension, that I've spent the last few days in limbo just hoping for the best.  The other thing is that I asked for the extensions primarily because I've been super depressed recently, mostly related--as far as I can tell-- to losing my dad this past September.  It's May, and I feel like there must be something wrong with me that has prevented me from dealing with things and being able to emotionally move on.  Granted, I have had to deal with it mostly on my own since I came immediately to Oxford where I had no friends and a ton of work to do that prevented me from making too many friends, but I still feel like normal people bounce back more quickly.  this last extension request made me think back to most of my college years in which I was a verifiably broken record or extension requests and excuses.  Obviously, my teachers always believed me and believed in me, but I'm starting to wonder why. 

Even in kindergarten, I had difficulty with task completion, so I guess it's something that I've always struggled with.  I actually do think I'm an amazing teacher and I presented at a conference here on a panel where my tutor said I was the best speaker, so I think I would really excel as a professor (one of my current career goals), but I'm not sure I could ever make it through writing a thesis.  I understand now why it takes some people so long to finish.  If I am honest with myself, I know that I am always capable of getting work done, it's just sometimes a matter of not feeling the proper motivation to do so.  Paper writing feels so artificial sometimes because I know no one else is likely to see what I've written, and it's usually just a process of faking more knowledge than you have (although in my most recent case, it was a process of running out of room to write everything I knew and wanted to convey).  Speaking of which, I should actually get back to figuring out how much I do know for the paper I'm about to write so that I can decide how much of it needs to be elaboration and aside.

I'm looking forward to using this space in the future, and I thank you for joining me.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 5th, 2009 06:01 pm (UTC)
Ahh! I'm so excited you're going to use this blog for writing!

Nice first entry.

You'd make an excellent professor. Someone very knowledgable and interesting, yet not self-serving or unrelatable to down-to-earth students (which I'd like to consider myself).

Props and kudos for the entry and all the content it relays!
May. 5th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks Will. You rock. And I'm glad you'll be reading.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )