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Tasty bits

I'm working furiously on my dissertation.  This has brought me to sleep very odd hours.  (I slept all yesterday afternoon, and have now been up since around 1:20 AM or so).  I'm planning on being up continuously until around noon tomorrow when I have a full draft due.  In that process, I often feel the need to have meaningful human connection.  Thing is, all of my other really close friends here are also all in the process of writing this same dissertation, and since none of us are very good at syncing our study breaks--to be fair, I haven't really tried-- I've decided that I'll seek "human" connection by turning to this blog every time I need a break and writing some little piece of where my head is.

First bit:  I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon.  It's exceptionally bright and sunny in Oxford and about 70 degrees, which is quite, quite warm by UK standards.  Basically, everyone is jovial and bright.  People are walking around with their kids and families and being exceptionally happy.  I am writing a paper.  I look around, and I can't help but keep having the same thought: if human connection is what really matters, why does the school process so often focus on these isolating, mechanical tasks.  I'm really looking forward to next year when my school experience will be much more about connecting with other people and actually developing intimacy and relationships.  The place I'd most like to be right now is lying in the grass on a blanket with someone I care about there to share it with.  Why I can't get a masters degree in that, I don't know.  I guess I just have to celebrate the fact that, in one week, I'll have all the work under my belt and will just have to wait for them to tell me just how masterful I am.  And then I can pronounce I am truly an expert on women.  Just 8,000 more words.

Oh, also, I painted my toenails this morning.

Second bit: I wish I had the capacity to convey to my friends exactly how much I love them, now that I have the capacity to do so.  And I also wish I could go back to all those moments in my life when I wasn't capable of that sort of emotion and treat my friends with the respect and care that they deserved.  I also realize that over the last six or so months, I've really struggled not to turn back into that person.  I know I build walls and use people (sexually..mostly) or pretend it doesn't matter to keep myself emotionally safe, but I also know that it's not healthy and not what I want.  I remember back when I was less emotionally healthy, I was so much more reckless with my affection.  Maybe now that I actually have the capacity to love more, I am more concerned about how much I am risking every time I allow myself to be emotionally intimate with someone.  The thing is, I still throw myself completely into my relationships with my friends, but I do completely the opposite with my lovers.  I'd really like to be the type of person who loves recklessly again.  And, more importantly, I'd really like to regain the spirituality in my human connections.

Third bit:  My across-the-street neighbors are throwing some sort of garden party and must have given really poor directions.  There is a steady stream of very confused people dressed nicely and walking back and forth around the corner.  Some of them even have cake.